Drink up Lads, It's the Holiday!

Cocktailmas celebrates the holiday cocktail party with over-indulgence in spirits and impassioned pleas for designated drivers.

Cocktailmas Traditions

Cocktailmas is about cocktails. No really. It is. You need to get stupid**. The Chrischanukkahwanzaamas Foundation suggests martinis (extra dry, straight up, with olives). The ancient tradition of free drinks at your local watering hole has been forgotten by most bartenders. But, if enough of you people start going to bars and demanding a free drink every December 5th - "because it's Cocktailmas, duh!" they will eventually get the picture and we can start a North American Cinqo De'cember.

American History proves the mystical significance of Cocktailmas, as Prohibition was repealed on Cocktailmas, 1933. It really did! Even we can't make that kinda stuff up..proof!

* The mathematically astute among you may have noticed that the Fourth Day of Chrischanukkahwanzaamas occurs on the 5th Day of December (you get a gold star). That's because the 4th of December is not a holiday, and has no significance whatsoever in the Celebration of Your New Favorite Holiday. In fact, using highly sophisticated mathematical methods - the Chrischanukkahwanzaamas Foundation holds that holidays should only be held on Prime numbered days (since these are the only days that aren't divisible by other days which makes them oh so special). It also works out that except for Evemas Eve, all of Chrischanukkahwanzaamas occurs on oddly-numbered days. And I dare you to find someone that doesn't think that's ironically fitting.

** Please note: We have already stated that Chrischanukkahwanzaamas is a socially-responsible holiday (sort-of). If you are not 21, please refrain from drinking - have a six pack of red-bulls instead and start bouncing off the walls. Pregnant women, people in a twelve step program, and little girly-drink drunks should refrain from drinking and act as a designated driver for the rest of the holiday revelers.

The Spirits of Cocktailmas

While most days in Chrischanukkahwanzaamas have beneficent spirits that watch over us, and help us through - Cocktailmas generally has enough spirits on its own (usually served on the rocks). As such, Cocktailmas has the evil Porcelain God as its patron. The cruel and demanding master of Cocktailmas accepts sacrifice in the form of prostrating yourself at his household shrine, while you chant the ancient mantra "Never again".

Recently, Señor Claus - a well dressed Latino man in a flashy red suit and shiny black boots, has been fighting back against the evil of the Porcelain God, by trying to make Cinquo De'cember a national event. With his awesome accent, awesome hair, and awesome shiny red suit, Señor Claus travels to every bar all across the world on December 5th, chatting up the ladies and expecting free drinks. Señor Claus is so awesome that even the "Most Interesting Man in the World" leaves a plate of aged tequila and maraschino cherries out for him.

Lobster Claws is often conflated with Cocktailmas - possibly beacuse his crusteacean brothers are oh so tasty with Cocktail Sauce. Lobster Claws, a giant lobster with a Santa hat, is himself a registered Freelance Spirit of Chrischanukkahwanzaamas. He doesn't talk so no one really knows what his significance is.